How to Fail Epically at Apologetics


cat fail.gif

Kinda like this

It’s an oft-neglected skill.

No one seems to talk about it.

Advice is hard to find.

And that’s why I’m here.

Yes, my friends, in this definitive article I will reveal how to fail epically at Apologetics.

You’ve read articles on Apologetics success by the dozen…

But do you know how to miserably embarrass yourself?

Soon you will.

The Most Important Strategy

Do not prepare ahead of time.

You want to be authentic, don’t you?

You want to be genuine, right?

Avoid preparation and you will surely accomplish both.

In-round, you’ll be put on the spot with any topic you draw. Your powers of spontaneity will blossom.

You’ll grow more skilled in extemporaneous speaking (no, not extemporaneous the speech category…look up the actual definition).

Your stress levels will rise, your anxiety will skyrocket, and your already-frazzled tournament life will be more hectic.

Because you have not prepared beforehand, every word proceeding from your mouth will be from the heart. Possibly skipping your brain altogether.

Besides, why would you prepare? It’s really unnecessary. Who cares if you know the difference between atonement and reconciliation, between the sin nature and original sin, between Mormonism and Jehovah’s Witnesses, between the true gospel and abject heresy? Those distinctions are overrated.

When it comes to Bible verses, John 3:16 and Genesis 1:1 are applicable to every topic. Throw in a little Romans 3:23 and 6:23 for good measure, and you’re ready to rock.

Voilà! Authenticity.

Now, you may be authentically bad…but so what? At least you’re honest.

Now, national championships are coming up soon.

After that you’ll have the summer. To prepare for next season?

No! You have more important things to do. Like binge-watching your favorite Netflix series, lounging around, avoiding all responsibility, and definitely not investing in your future.

As those sages Phineas and Ferb say:

There’s 104 days of summer vacation
And school comes along just to end it
So the annual problem for our generation
Is finding a good way to spend it

Problem solved! Yours truly has revealed how you should spend the summer: doing nothing profitable. Thank me anytime! (I accept both compliments and substantial monetary donations.)

So, to summarize:

Do not prepare.

Be authentically awful.

Epically fail at Apologetics. And set yourself up for a life of avoided responsibility, unfinished tasks, and meaningless existence.